Chapter 5: The Dark and Light of College

After being isolated for so many years, understandably I craved companionship, but I had only unhealth coping strategies. It took years, and in some cases decades to finally end some of the unhealthy friendships that hoovered in my life. It's no surprise that I also remained trapped in unhealthy romantic relationships as well.

I don’t know when my dreams changed from being free and away from my home life, to finding love and a partner.

By the time I got to college, sure I had succeeded academically, but socially I was extremely behind many of peers. I didn’t know how to be around other people my age outside of a structured school and classroom setting. And now, I was surrounded 24/7 by peers in living in the dorms and also in classes.

Dorm life brought new challenges. How do you approach someone to talk to them? What was appropriate to say? How to find a social group in a classroom? How to find a social group in the dorms? How to know if someone likes you or has a crush on your? How to know if you like them? I did my best to be "normal" but honestly I had no idea. I was vulnerable to being taken advantage of and I also probably wasn’t a very good friend for relationship advice either. I didn't have the best role models at home so TV which was also showcasing unhealthy relationships was my best guess.

I’d never travelled on my own, never dated, never had a lifelong best friend, never drank, partied, kissed, cuddled, or had sex. I arrived at college as basically a preteen in an 18 year-old’s body.

Even though I was free at college, I wasn’t really free.

Firstly, I didn't know that college dorms closed for breaks and that I would have to return home over winter, spring, and summer breaks. I was able to avoid some holidays by going with dormmates, friends, and peers, but I couldn't avoid returning home for the larger winter and summer breaks.

Also there was the fact that college was not free. I was able to get a job by my second semester, but it was minimum wage, and just provided pocket money for daily living. And so there were costs that I still needed my parents' help with.

I soon realized that economic control was my father’s narcissistic specialty. "I paid for ___ so I expect ____."

It’s how he had trapped my mom, so it’s no surprise that it’s also how he tried to ensnare me. I’m paying for your school so I expect you to call and check in. Except he wasn’t really. Most of that first year was paid with loans, in my name along with grants and scholarships. The Parent Loans that they had estimated might be needed, weren’t, and so if my parents paid anything for that first year, it was likely less than 1K. Which is not nothing, but I don’t know it could be considered paying for my school. Especially since the majority was paid by loans in my name.

But it didn't matter. Even if he had only given me a dollar the need for control and manipulation would have remained. I soon realized that I only had a taste of freedom, but not complete freedom.

I lost my sanity as I began to feel that I'd never be free

After spending my first summer break back home between freshman and sophomore year. Something broke in my mind. It was jarring having freedom at university, but then going back to being a prisoner at home. The rest of my college years were slowly trying to put back the pieces of my mind, overcoming the trauma of my childhood, and seeking ways to minimize further harm.

While taking a full load of classes and completing a double-major, I was also in on-going therapy, processing the injustices of my life that I was learning about in my psychology classes. As little as possible, I returned home, putting myself back in the space that traumatized me again. If I saw any improvement, I was constantly pulled back in. No-contact with abusers was not a common thing back then. And even if it was I would have struggled immensely, cause I have no doubt my father would have chased me down.

I had a strong yearning to be loved in the ways I did not receive in my family.

Anyone who showed me the slightest interest, I was not picky, not did I think as an outlier black woman in a mostly white college, that I had the luxury of choice. One of the things I learned in my psychology studies is that black women consistently had the lowest desirability across all racial and ethnicity groups. I had a few dates here and there, but no serious romantic relationships in college. I also likely was pursuing the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

Somehow despite all of these challenges, I was still able to finish my studies and graduate on time.